Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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