We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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