My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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