well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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