And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
