There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
