i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
