Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
