I'm so fucking centered right now
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
