Got a toothbrush?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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