worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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