1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
