y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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