I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
