He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think my moral compass just broke
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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