and she was petting her beer can
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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