I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
