when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
