2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
