did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
