my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
