Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
