i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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