i was born a porn star she said
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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