I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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