and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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