When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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