Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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