you guys were way drunker than both of me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
