Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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