Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
