I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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