God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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