Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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