sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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