You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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