I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
