we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
