i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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