Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
