he shaved USA in his pubs
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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