Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
