I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My penis needs a shock collar
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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