my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
