i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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