Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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