come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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