So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
