I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
