I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
