Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
