Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
