I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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