Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
