FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize