I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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