The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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