I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
