I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
