puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
