Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
