i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
