Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I have aggressive nipples.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
