Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
