I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
