There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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